So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
