Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
