i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize