You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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