I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize