just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
