Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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