the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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