Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
