i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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