my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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