pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
