Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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