apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
