Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
