I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
