our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize