i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
