you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just forgot I was standing up.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
God, I missed his penis.
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