Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
