I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
