You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I am available for nakedness
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
