his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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