I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
