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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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