i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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