Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
