I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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