did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
