That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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