checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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