If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
