Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize