every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
