Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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