I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
