Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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