Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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