i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
