you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
