do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
