Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
