3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
