flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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