plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
