my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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