happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
