so that wasnt chicken after all
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
