He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
zippers are such a cool invention
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize