He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
