please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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