Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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