Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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