I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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