btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
