On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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