i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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