I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
